Spaceballs: The Sequel
by RoninJedi
Summary: Spaceball City is still low on air, and President Skroob has implemented strict breathing regulations. When he and Dark Helmet put a plan to steal from the defenseless Planet Aquafina into action, Yogurt feels a tingle in the Schwartz and recruits Lone Starr and Barf to stop the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Rated for some language. Please read and review!


_****AUTHOR NOTE - I tried to separate a few paragraphs quite a bit because, frankly, I though it would be funnier if you had to scroll down some to get to the "Honk if you're horny line". However, the Doc Manager wouldn't let me do that, so I apologize. I have formatted the best I can, so try to overlook that as you read on. Thanks very much. May the Schwartz be with you!****_

_Once Upon a Time Warp…_

**SPACEBALLS: THE SEQUEL**

_Five years have passed since the aborted theft of Planet Druidia's air. News from and about Planet Spaceball has been virtually nonexistent, save for the fact that Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz somehow managed to return._

_Rumor has it President Skroob was reelected. Some attribute his success to the morale boost brought about by his slogan, "Yes We Can!"_

_We have no idea what that means._

_Captain Lone Starr…er…I mean…**Prince** Lone Starr has lived in relative peace on Planet Druidia with his wife, Princess Vespa. He has been busy learning how to govern a planet, for King Roland's time grows short. _

_He will soon retire to the coast of New New Hawaii._

_Unbeknownst to our heroes, but soon-to-be-knownst to you, a new plan is being formulated on Spaceball City. _

_It is an evil plan. _

_It is an awful plan. _

_It is an awfully evil, wonderful plan…_

_Honk if you're horny…_

_The scene fades in on a vast star field, a great celestial canvas dotted with brilliant pinpoints of light. The camera pans down and a large starship comes into view from the right. The camera watches as it slowly passes by, brilliant glares blinding the view here and there as light is reflected by the massive plates making up its armor. And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_And it slowly passes._

_At last, four massive engines come into view, each spanning the height of the monstrous ship. As the camera pans out slightly, a large sticker comes into view, which reads_

My Other Ride Is Your Mom's Face

_The scene cuts to the ship's bridge, where a man in black and gray military garb stands silently, hands behind his back, staring out the large viewport at the star field slowly unfolding before him._

"Colonel Sandurz." _A high-pitched voice sounds somewhere behind him._

_He turns slowly to reveal the familiar face of Spaceball City Colonel Kernel Sandurz, now sporting a rather large mustache and an overgrown 'soul patch', as well as a pair of simple black eyeglasses. He looks down to address the soldier who called him, but his eyes travel upward several inches before the camera pans out to reveal a large man standing before him. The man stands over seven feet tall and sports a bulky, muscular build, his uniform bulging in several places, and torn in a few others. Sandurz straightens himself._

"Yes, Ensign, what is it?"

_The towering Spaceball replies in the same soprano voice Sandurz heard a moment before. _"Lord Helmet wishes to speak with you in his quarters, Sir."

_Sandurz starts to smile, but quickly forces it away. _"Thank you, Ensign. I'll head that way. You may notify Lord Helmet."

_The Ensign responds with the Spaceball Salute – right arm crosses left elbow, hand opens and turns, fingers twiddle._

_Colonel Sandurz turns to face his right. _"Major Asshole!"

_A tall, cross-eyed man at a computer station jumps to his feet. _"Sir!"

"You have the floor."

_The two exchange salutes, and Colonel Sandurz steps purposefully from the bridge._

**Thirteen Minutes Later…**

_Lord Helmet sits on a small chair in his chambers, his face mask pulled up, staring intensely at a television that has a _Spaceballs: The TV _sticker on the side of it. He is holding an Atari 2600 controller, and the room is filled with the unmistakable sounds of electronically simulated space combat. Helmet moves the joystick and taps the button frantically._

"Damn Space Invaders! Slow down! Why are there so many?"

_There is a knock on the door, followed by Sandurz' voice. _"Lord Helmet?"

"Be right out!" _He never takes his eyes off the screen._

_Another knock. _"Sir, are you in there?"

"I said I'll be right out!" _he shouts, turning to face the door, irritation plain on his face. He quickly returns to the game._ "Come on! Come on!"

"Should I come back later?"

_Helmet screams in frustration, slamming his fists down so hard the controller and his glasses collide with the floor._ "Son of a bitch!" _He gets on the floor and starts feeling around for his glasses. At that point, the door opens and Colonel Sandurz is standing there._

"Did you say I could come in an inch?"

_Helmet just glares at him. _"You've already destroyed my shot at the high score. You may as well come in."

"Yes, Sir."

"And turn off that tv!"

"Very good, Sir."

_Sandurz steps into the room, and walks toward the television. After a couple of steps, a loud crunching sound his heard, and both men freeze._

"Sir…I uh…think I found your glasses."

_Helmet slowly gets to his feet and turns to face Sandurz as the Colonel bends down to retrieve the glasses. He holds them up with two fingers, blowing on them gingerly to get the dust off, and hands them to Lord Helmet._

"They, uh, should be alright, Sir. Insurance will cover them, right?"

_Helmet puts the glasses on, his cheeks puffing out as he begins to take great heaving breaths in anger. The left lens is cracked terribly, essentially blinding the entire side. He glances up at Sandurz and lowers his mask forcefully._

"You had best hope I'm up on my premiums, Sandurz," _he bellows in a deep, faintly muffled voice. _

_Colonel Sandurz nods frantically. _"Of course, Sir."

_Helmet grabs Sandurz' glasses right off his face, and pushes on the left lens with his thumb until a soft pop is heard, followed by the sound of glass hitting the floor and rattling. Sandurz doesn't move as Helmet reaches up and puts the glasses back on his face. _"Now we are even," _he bellows._

"Fair enough, Sir."

_A very long moment of awkward silence passes._

"Um, Sir?" _Sandurz finally speaks. _"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes,"_ Helmet says in his deep voice. He turns away from Sandurz and raises the mask once more. _"I received word from President Skroob," _he says, his voice much higher in its natural form. _"We are ordered to withdraw _Spaceball 1 ½ _from our security sweep, and return to Spaceball City. The air shortage has reached critical levels. If we don't act now, we will be out of air in less than two months."

"So he has a way to steal the Electrolyzer plan from Planet Aquafina?"

"I believe so. Once we've arrived, we are to be briefed on "Operation Moose Knuckle."

_Sandurz stands quietly for a moment, wearing an expression of painful confusion._ "Moose Knuckle, Sir?"

_Dark Helmet shrugs. _"He's been on a _Rocky and Bullwinkle_ kick lately."

"Ah," _Sandurz nods his understanding. _"When do we depart, Sir?"

_Helmet flips his mask down. _"We are expected to report to Spaceball City within forty-eight hours. Give the order immediately."

"As you wish, Sir," _Sandurz says enthusiastically, offering a salute before leaving the room._

_The camera zooms in slowly on Helmet's – well – helmet as he chuckles quietly to himself. _

_The scene dissolves, and a full moon slowly takes the place of Helmet's visage._

_The camera pans out and around to show the familiar moon of Vega. Rolling dunes stretch as far as the eye can see. The camera view moves forward at an accelerated pace, going over numerous hills before finally coming to rest on a stone door, only half-hidden by the surrounding sand, bearing the insignia of a _Y.

_The scene fades to the inner sanctum of the cavern beyond the door. Candles fill the small room, their flames dancing wildly as they reach toward the ceiling, casting a hazy glow upon the kneeling figure in the center of the room. The camera moves around to reveal the wizened face of Yogurt, his eyes closed, lost in meditate. His mouth his moving, but the words are barely audible. As the camera moves just a little closer, his chanting becomes clearer, barely above a whisper._

"Oom poppa oom poppa mow mow. Oom poppa oom poppa mow mow."

_Suddenly Yogurt shivers violently, beginning at his feet and quickly working its way upward to his Head & Shoulders, which falls off the shelf beside him and his eyes snap open._

_He whispers quietly to himself, _"A tingle in the Schwartz… Spaceballs... I have to find Lone Starr."

_Dramatic organ music suddenly fills the room, and Yogurt snaps his head to the side to see one of the Dinks pounding the keyboard. The Dink freezes as he notices Yogurt staring and the music stops. The Dink smiles and shrugs before hopping off the bench and disappearing from the room. Yogurt sighs and shakes his head as the scene slowly fades to black._


End file.
